So, I've been very MIA, which I'm sorry for. My laptop is being fixed so I haven't been able to really be on, and my phone is super annoying to use for this. I am trying to get back on track and have been eating quite healthy, but still too much and not enough exercise. I am beginning to use Zantrex-3 and PGX Daily and am going to cutting down huge. I am still hoping to join the YMCA, things have just been tight, etc. I cannot wait til I move next month though as I will be switching to a 90% raw food diet and going back to fasting at least once or twice a week and will have the room and privacy to use my Wii workouts daily.
I hope you're all doing amazing, and that I will be back, daily soon.
Friday, 11 May 2012
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
MIA
So, something else I'm sure some of you have noticed. I come and go a lot lately.
I've been in a very low spot this past week. I've been cutting and having horrible dreams....Unfortunately horrible dreams that end up exciting me....Like randomly being grabbed while out on a late night walked, and raped...Twisted, right? I think on some level most women out there have the whole rape fantasy. Not many will admit it of course. It is a very large fantasy for me, and with everything that's been going on I think it's become a frighteningly constant fantasy for me now. It's like, I crave the fear, the adrenalin, the after-math of feeling like someone actually cares for me when they find out what's happened, and of course the raw sexual intensity...
Now, I've also had dreams of random sexual encounters with people I know, of cutting so badly the bleeding doesn't stop, and recently of waking up and everything around my bed being in flames....Not all that wonderful, though in turn have been helping me with a new novel I'm working on. Not sure it's doing my mentality any good though.
I am moving into my own apartment though. I will sublet from mid-June to end of August and then decide if I'm signing the lease. It's a small one bedroom, though more of a bachelor style set-up as the "bedroom" unfortunately has the shower built into it so couldn't fit more than a single bed without having to crawl over it to get to the bathroom lol I don't mind though, the main room is quite large and the girl living in it now has a double, so I know there will be enough room. I'll probably have the little room as a dining room/altar room since I can close it off to keep any scents from bothering the rats. I can't wait. I'll be paying almost double what I'm paying here, but it'll be worth it. $750 inclusive, and with cable and internet. The apartment itself is $660 inclusive and I probably won't keep cable if I keep it.
Financially things are better here than they were last time, but I'm getting tired of the "no one helps me clean or do anything around here" whining from K and then the attitude from J that I don't do anything around here.....I pay $450/mnth and then $40 for "my half" of the storage unit, so I'm sorry if I'm not doing dishes and sweeping up everyone else's messes around here...considering it's taken over a month to get a shower head installed and even half the crap out of the upstairs bathroom to be able to possibly use said shower....and listening to someone whining about me using the downstairs one all the time....I'll help out more when I don't feel like never waking up, or sick, and on my days off and not 20min before I am leaving before work. I don't dirty all the dishes in the house for one meal, so really don't see why I should be bitched out for not washing them. I just can't wait to have a place to myself...Come and go as I please, do what I please, and clean as I feel like it. Having to leave the house to do my laundry will be a little annoying, but the laundry mat is literally right across the street.
Anywhoo, eating wise has been kind of all over. I've kept really healthy and relatively lowcal while working. Probably no more than like 1200, and that's only from being lazy and having a veggie dog or two, with bun, when I got home in the morning. This weekend has been a bit random. I believe the pack of veggie dogs I got were bad, or a bad batch or something, as let's just say I've been evacuating more than digesting the last few days. I haven't eaten the lowest calorie wise, but decently healthy and not very much over-all. I'm afraid to weigh in though after the "fun" of Value Village. I've had to put off joining the Y another pay. My own stupidity of leaving my bills to the last minute and not being able to pay them completely off. Even with the two sick days, I'll be able to get them taken care of this pay check. Gotta get my shit together and get my taxes done though! I am hoping to get back enough to have either a month rent here or a month rent at the new place aside so I can keep ahead on stuff. Really need the laptop fixed too, but was hoping to get a netbook beforehand, just in case. We'll see though.
I am hoping to get back on track with fruits and veggies and a very little bit of protein and whole grains. My digestive track needs a good flush though. I will try and be on more often as well.
I've been in a very low spot this past week. I've been cutting and having horrible dreams....Unfortunately horrible dreams that end up exciting me....Like randomly being grabbed while out on a late night walked, and raped...Twisted, right? I think on some level most women out there have the whole rape fantasy. Not many will admit it of course. It is a very large fantasy for me, and with everything that's been going on I think it's become a frighteningly constant fantasy for me now. It's like, I crave the fear, the adrenalin, the after-math of feeling like someone actually cares for me when they find out what's happened, and of course the raw sexual intensity...
Now, I've also had dreams of random sexual encounters with people I know, of cutting so badly the bleeding doesn't stop, and recently of waking up and everything around my bed being in flames....Not all that wonderful, though in turn have been helping me with a new novel I'm working on. Not sure it's doing my mentality any good though.
I am moving into my own apartment though. I will sublet from mid-June to end of August and then decide if I'm signing the lease. It's a small one bedroom, though more of a bachelor style set-up as the "bedroom" unfortunately has the shower built into it so couldn't fit more than a single bed without having to crawl over it to get to the bathroom lol I don't mind though, the main room is quite large and the girl living in it now has a double, so I know there will be enough room. I'll probably have the little room as a dining room/altar room since I can close it off to keep any scents from bothering the rats. I can't wait. I'll be paying almost double what I'm paying here, but it'll be worth it. $750 inclusive, and with cable and internet. The apartment itself is $660 inclusive and I probably won't keep cable if I keep it.
Financially things are better here than they were last time, but I'm getting tired of the "no one helps me clean or do anything around here" whining from K and then the attitude from J that I don't do anything around here.....I pay $450/mnth and then $40 for "my half" of the storage unit, so I'm sorry if I'm not doing dishes and sweeping up everyone else's messes around here...considering it's taken over a month to get a shower head installed and even half the crap out of the upstairs bathroom to be able to possibly use said shower....and listening to someone whining about me using the downstairs one all the time....I'll help out more when I don't feel like never waking up, or sick, and on my days off and not 20min before I am leaving before work. I don't dirty all the dishes in the house for one meal, so really don't see why I should be bitched out for not washing them. I just can't wait to have a place to myself...Come and go as I please, do what I please, and clean as I feel like it. Having to leave the house to do my laundry will be a little annoying, but the laundry mat is literally right across the street.
Anywhoo, eating wise has been kind of all over. I've kept really healthy and relatively lowcal while working. Probably no more than like 1200, and that's only from being lazy and having a veggie dog or two, with bun, when I got home in the morning. This weekend has been a bit random. I believe the pack of veggie dogs I got were bad, or a bad batch or something, as let's just say I've been evacuating more than digesting the last few days. I haven't eaten the lowest calorie wise, but decently healthy and not very much over-all. I'm afraid to weigh in though after the "fun" of Value Village. I've had to put off joining the Y another pay. My own stupidity of leaving my bills to the last minute and not being able to pay them completely off. Even with the two sick days, I'll be able to get them taken care of this pay check. Gotta get my shit together and get my taxes done though! I am hoping to get back enough to have either a month rent here or a month rent at the new place aside so I can keep ahead on stuff. Really need the laptop fixed too, but was hoping to get a netbook beforehand, just in case. We'll see though.
I am hoping to get back on track with fruits and veggies and a very little bit of protein and whole grains. My digestive track needs a good flush though. I will try and be on more often as well.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
I Want to Die
So... I am completely disgusted with myself. I went to Value Village to get some workout pants and something for K's wedding and do need a couple pairs of jeans... I tried on two different brand of 16-18s and just wanted to cry in the dressing room. The fact I am in double digit sizes again was bad enough! I am joining the Y this week and eating as little as humanly possible. I can't do this!!
I will work on a plan this week and be back. Things are mentally pretty bad too... fml
I will work on a plan this week and be back. Things are mentally pretty bad too... fml
Friday, 6 April 2012
Internal Dialogue
So, yesterday I had a dream about my ex. This is the ex that was my first true love, one I hung around for, waited for, for 7yrs. The one it took 7yrs to move on from. He also basically used me as a back up for those 7yrs, though will never admit it. If I stay on this blog long enough you will notice this comes up from time to time. He never fully escapes my mind, and unfortunately my heart.
Yesterday I dreamed he was performing (he sings and plays guitar very well) at some big thing. I'd swear it was like inside this HUUUUGE hallowed out tree, with levels going up, etc. I was trying to find him, them when I did I was kinda trying to keep hidden from him or something, but every time I turned around he was RIGHT there and singing some rock song directly to me... nothing sexual this time, which is a surprise, but it will usually come as my mind likes to fuck with me....
On a brighter note, because there's no buses running today I got a ride home, so have been home, and in bed, for an hour and a half and K is driving me in, so I'll be leaving close to an hour and a half later than normal. Then Sunday afternoon I'm going out to my parents for dinner and spending the night. I need to be careful of what all I eat there though...
Anywho, I'm gunna try and fall asleep soon so I can be up a bit earlier as I'm suppose to be calling hubby tonight for a bit.
Yesterday I dreamed he was performing (he sings and plays guitar very well) at some big thing. I'd swear it was like inside this HUUUUGE hallowed out tree, with levels going up, etc. I was trying to find him, them when I did I was kinda trying to keep hidden from him or something, but every time I turned around he was RIGHT there and singing some rock song directly to me... nothing sexual this time, which is a surprise, but it will usually come as my mind likes to fuck with me....
On a brighter note, because there's no buses running today I got a ride home, so have been home, and in bed, for an hour and a half and K is driving me in, so I'll be leaving close to an hour and a half later than normal. Then Sunday afternoon I'm going out to my parents for dinner and spending the night. I need to be careful of what all I eat there though...
Anywho, I'm gunna try and fall asleep soon so I can be up a bit earlier as I'm suppose to be calling hubby tonight for a bit.
Monday, 2 April 2012
Fasting! Thinspo! Possible Apt Found!
So, just finished up the last of some couscous I made for lunch/dinner and am beginning a 24hr fast! It's a lot earlier than I'd normally start one, but I'm going to be going to bed earlier tonight so it shouldn't be a big deal. I've been awake since like 10am, and only fell asleep around 6am...so won't be able to stay up quite as late even if I wanted to. I want to start getting up a bit earlier in the afternoon/evening if possible so I'm doing more than just sleeping, eating, showering, working, repeat for 5 days straight. I must say it's been nice doing absolutely nothing this weekend. I feel bad though as I'm suppose to call a friend from work, J, to go hang out but I'm tired and don't want to eat and she already said about buying nachos and popcorn or something to "repay" me for buying her coffee a few times the last couple weeks. Feel bad making an excuse for the second weekend in a row, but I really just want to do a few things around here and relax.
I weighed in when I finally decided I wasn't falling back to sleep around 2pm. I'm losing, at least. Down to 171.3. Hopefully with some proper sleep, water, and eating less this week I can get back down around 165 by next weekend. I need to start making weekly goals and such again. Might work on that tonight while burning my music, etc. to disks to finally get this beast backed up to get fixed soon.
It's a beautiful sunny day out today, still chilly thankfully though so I have the window open to get some fresh air in my room. I'm sadly already wanting a nap lol Hopefully I can keep busy tonight. Need to clean the rat cage a bit and want to wash their blankets, my sheets, etc. but K is half in the middle of a load from last night, so depends if she decides to continue with it tonight or not...Though if she goes off with J for work tonight I might just chuck her shit in the dryer so I can do mine. Tired of her always heaping up loads of laundry and then getting partway through and leaving it there for a week.
Got a couple apartments I'm looking at though. One's very nice but a bit pricey for me. The other I am waiting for more pics as it's hard to tell the size of it really, but it's a lot cheaper and a little East of downtown so it'd be close to everything but on the slightly more quiet side I think. It looks like student apartments though so who knows about noise level...Mind you, it's a bit easier to deal with on night shift cuz 90% of the day time when I'm trying to sleep they'd be in class or doing whatever, and at night if they're partying I'll be up doing shit or at work. We shall see though. Gotta get my taxes done before I'll really be able to seriously look at anything.
Anywhoo, I will be back later on tonight with some thinspo and commenting.
2AM
So, ended up telling a friend of JM's (mutual work friend) that my phone's out and I've been up all night and day feeling like crap so asked if she could pass on the message...I'm such a loser sometimes. Hopefully my sleep gets back to normal this week so we can actually hang out next weekend cuz I do want to, it's just been nice having a weekend to do nothing and relax.
I laid down for a nap around 6pm and slept til about 11pm. Went down and talked with K for a bit. She was showing me all the baby clothes they went and bought today after finding out they're having a boy. I was suppose to go to the ultrasound appt with them to see as well, but I just couldn't make myself go. I was tired, needed a shower, and as happy as I am for her, it's depressing and makes me jealous so I'm trying to keep a safe distance right now.
Found a possible apartment though. Rent's cheap, and it's downtown but a little further East so in the more quiet area. I can sublet from her for the Summer for $750 inclusive (including cable and internet) or sign the lease right away for $660 inclusive and find my own internet and stuff. Since I don't know the area or what the landlord and other tenants are like (6 apts in what looks to be an old house or something...) I'd probably sublet regardless. Makes it easier so if hubby can finally get things together and he can move down we can set a date of when the sublet ends in September. She's sending me more pics soon as the ones posted don't show the size very well. The kitchen is VERY cramped and tiny, but I don't really care how big my kitchen is lol Actually, here's the pics:
It looks like it's pretty tiny, but if I can fit all I need in there and still have decent room than I don't really care. I mainly just want to be sure I have room, outside of my bedroom, to have the rat cage and possibly the bearded dragon tank. Then also want enough room to use my Wii and when I get a 360 Kinect, etc. and workout, etc. We'll see when she sends more pictures. There's another one I really like and has lots of room and storage space but it's $835 inclusive, and would have to set up my own internet, etc. Little too pricey for me alone at the moment.
Anywhoo, still fasting. K and I walked to Tim Horton's after I got up (like a 30min walk there alone) and I grabbed a medium white hot chocolate. Decently hungry but doing okay. I have a 1L bottle of peach "sparkling water", a can of diet pop, and a can of sparkling fruit juice if I need it. I'm still decently tired too though so am thinking of laying back down in about 2-3hrs. My plan for ending my fast is a banana and a tiny bit of the hummus I made earlier today with some while grain rice crackers. Won't have too much though, very high cal. Will be packing the rest with some sliced peppers, etc. for my dinner at work. Need to stop at the grocery store after work in the morning for sure lol
Okay, well not sure if I'll come back on after commenting, so here's a bit of thinspo! I will try and get on, and comment, at least a couple times during the week!
I weighed in when I finally decided I wasn't falling back to sleep around 2pm. I'm losing, at least. Down to 171.3. Hopefully with some proper sleep, water, and eating less this week I can get back down around 165 by next weekend. I need to start making weekly goals and such again. Might work on that tonight while burning my music, etc. to disks to finally get this beast backed up to get fixed soon.
It's a beautiful sunny day out today, still chilly thankfully though so I have the window open to get some fresh air in my room. I'm sadly already wanting a nap lol Hopefully I can keep busy tonight. Need to clean the rat cage a bit and want to wash their blankets, my sheets, etc. but K is half in the middle of a load from last night, so depends if she decides to continue with it tonight or not...Though if she goes off with J for work tonight I might just chuck her shit in the dryer so I can do mine. Tired of her always heaping up loads of laundry and then getting partway through and leaving it there for a week.
Got a couple apartments I'm looking at though. One's very nice but a bit pricey for me. The other I am waiting for more pics as it's hard to tell the size of it really, but it's a lot cheaper and a little East of downtown so it'd be close to everything but on the slightly more quiet side I think. It looks like student apartments though so who knows about noise level...Mind you, it's a bit easier to deal with on night shift cuz 90% of the day time when I'm trying to sleep they'd be in class or doing whatever, and at night if they're partying I'll be up doing shit or at work. We shall see though. Gotta get my taxes done before I'll really be able to seriously look at anything.
Anywhoo, I will be back later on tonight with some thinspo and commenting.
2AM
So, ended up telling a friend of JM's (mutual work friend) that my phone's out and I've been up all night and day feeling like crap so asked if she could pass on the message...I'm such a loser sometimes. Hopefully my sleep gets back to normal this week so we can actually hang out next weekend cuz I do want to, it's just been nice having a weekend to do nothing and relax.
I laid down for a nap around 6pm and slept til about 11pm. Went down and talked with K for a bit. She was showing me all the baby clothes they went and bought today after finding out they're having a boy. I was suppose to go to the ultrasound appt with them to see as well, but I just couldn't make myself go. I was tired, needed a shower, and as happy as I am for her, it's depressing and makes me jealous so I'm trying to keep a safe distance right now.
Found a possible apartment though. Rent's cheap, and it's downtown but a little further East so in the more quiet area. I can sublet from her for the Summer for $750 inclusive (including cable and internet) or sign the lease right away for $660 inclusive and find my own internet and stuff. Since I don't know the area or what the landlord and other tenants are like (6 apts in what looks to be an old house or something...) I'd probably sublet regardless. Makes it easier so if hubby can finally get things together and he can move down we can set a date of when the sublet ends in September. She's sending me more pics soon as the ones posted don't show the size very well. The kitchen is VERY cramped and tiny, but I don't really care how big my kitchen is lol Actually, here's the pics:
It looks like it's pretty tiny, but if I can fit all I need in there and still have decent room than I don't really care. I mainly just want to be sure I have room, outside of my bedroom, to have the rat cage and possibly the bearded dragon tank. Then also want enough room to use my Wii and when I get a 360 Kinect, etc. and workout, etc. We'll see when she sends more pictures. There's another one I really like and has lots of room and storage space but it's $835 inclusive, and would have to set up my own internet, etc. Little too pricey for me alone at the moment.
Anywhoo, still fasting. K and I walked to Tim Horton's after I got up (like a 30min walk there alone) and I grabbed a medium white hot chocolate. Decently hungry but doing okay. I have a 1L bottle of peach "sparkling water", a can of diet pop, and a can of sparkling fruit juice if I need it. I'm still decently tired too though so am thinking of laying back down in about 2-3hrs. My plan for ending my fast is a banana and a tiny bit of the hummus I made earlier today with some while grain rice crackers. Won't have too much though, very high cal. Will be packing the rest with some sliced peppers, etc. for my dinner at work. Need to stop at the grocery store after work in the morning for sure lol
Okay, well not sure if I'll come back on after commenting, so here's a bit of thinspo! I will try and get on, and comment, at least a couple times during the week!
30 Days to Lose
So, it's technically the 2nd of April but I count it as my first day still since I'm still up. Going to lay down soon, as we have some stuff to do tomorrow during the day, but wanted to do a quick post here before hand. I'll do a better one, and with some thinspo, tomorrow night though as I'll need to keep busy since I'll be tired.
Food wise has been okay. Nothing spectacular, but better than eating a ton of junk. Been around 1200 max each day so far, except today but that's because I needed to use up the four small avocados I bought like 2 weeks ago since no one had decided to make the guacamole as we had planned. I made my own with just onions and some lime juice. Not near as yummy, but still good and super healthy...Just super high in cals with the rice crackers I used to dip in it. That's all I've eaten today though other than an apple when I first got up. Thinking of making some hummus with just some lemon poppy seed dressing and sesame seed oil tomorrow night though and eating a small portion of it with a pepper chopped up or something and then fasting 24hrs.
I don't really have a full on plan yet though other than staying UNDER 1000 cals for right now. Hopefully once pay day comes and I get my fucking taxes done I can go onto a more raw food diet and start making specific cal amount plans, etc. I also hope to join the Y still, although I think the 30min walk to my bus stop 5 days a week does count for something....Not enough though.
Anywhoo, sorry for another short post and lack of comments. Hopefully this week I can start actually getting up a couple hours before having to really get things together and go for work so I can start updating more daily.
Stay Strong xoxoxoxo
Food wise has been okay. Nothing spectacular, but better than eating a ton of junk. Been around 1200 max each day so far, except today but that's because I needed to use up the four small avocados I bought like 2 weeks ago since no one had decided to make the guacamole as we had planned. I made my own with just onions and some lime juice. Not near as yummy, but still good and super healthy...Just super high in cals with the rice crackers I used to dip in it. That's all I've eaten today though other than an apple when I first got up. Thinking of making some hummus with just some lemon poppy seed dressing and sesame seed oil tomorrow night though and eating a small portion of it with a pepper chopped up or something and then fasting 24hrs.
I don't really have a full on plan yet though other than staying UNDER 1000 cals for right now. Hopefully once pay day comes and I get my fucking taxes done I can go onto a more raw food diet and start making specific cal amount plans, etc. I also hope to join the Y still, although I think the 30min walk to my bus stop 5 days a week does count for something....Not enough though.
Anywhoo, sorry for another short post and lack of comments. Hopefully this week I can start actually getting up a couple hours before having to really get things together and go for work so I can start updating more daily.
Stay Strong xoxoxoxo
Friday, 30 March 2012
Quickie
So, I know it's been a couple days. Been uber tired and mainly depressed so haven't been on. Haven't weighed in, but I'm also quite bloated lately from my period half ass starting. I am thinking April 1st is a really good start date to really get back on track more. I like having a set plan and starting on a specific date, etc. I will mull it over next couple days and will be sure to post more Sunday! Stay Strong and have a great weekend lovelies!
Oh, and my last fast was successful. Can't remember if I posted that or not.
Oh, and my last fast was successful. Can't remember if I posted that or not.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)