MIA

So, something else I'm sure some of you have noticed. I come and go a lot lately.

I've been in a very low spot this past week. I've been cutting and having horrible dreams....Unfortunately horrible dreams that end up exciting me....Like randomly being grabbed while out on a late night walked, and raped...Twisted, right? I think on some level most women out there have the whole rape fantasy. Not many will admit it of course. It is a very large fantasy for me, and with everything that's been going on I think it's become a frighteningly constant fantasy for me now. It's like, I crave the fear, the adrenalin, the after-math of feeling like someone actually cares for me when they find out what's happened, and of course the raw sexual intensity...

Now, I've also had dreams of random sexual encounters with people I know, of cutting so badly the bleeding doesn't stop, and recently of waking up and everything around my bed being in flames....Not all that wonderful, though in turn have been helping me with a new novel I'm working on. Not sure it's doing my mentality any good though.

I am moving into my own apartment though. I will sublet from mid-June to end of August and then decide if I'm signing the lease. It's a small one bedroom, though more of a bachelor style set-up as the "bedroom" unfortunately has the shower built into it so couldn't fit more than a single bed without having to crawl over it to get to the bathroom lol I don't mind though, the main room is quite large and the girl living in it now has a double, so I know there will be enough room. I'll probably have the little room as a dining room/altar room since I can close it off to keep any scents from bothering the rats. I can't wait. I'll be paying almost double what I'm paying here, but it'll be worth it. $750 inclusive, and with cable and internet. The apartment itself is $660 inclusive and I probably won't keep cable if I keep it.
Financially things are better here than they were last time, but I'm getting tired of the "no one helps me clean or do anything around here" whining from K and then the attitude from J that I don't do anything around here.....I pay $450/mnth and then $40 for "my half" of the storage unit, so I'm sorry if I'm not doing dishes and sweeping up everyone else's messes around here...considering it's taken over a month to get a shower head installed and even half the crap out of the upstairs bathroom to be able to possibly use said shower....and listening to someone whining about me using the downstairs one all the time....I'll help out more when I don't feel like never waking up, or sick, and on my days off and not 20min before I am leaving before work. I don't dirty all the dishes in the house for one meal, so really don't see why I should be bitched out for not washing them. I just can't wait to have a place to myself...Come and go as I please, do what I please, and clean as I feel like it. Having to leave the house to do my laundry will be a little annoying, but the laundry mat is literally right across the street.

Anywhoo, eating wise has been kind of all over. I've kept really healthy and relatively lowcal while working. Probably no more than like 1200, and that's only from being lazy and having a veggie dog or two, with bun, when I got home in the morning. This weekend has been a bit random. I believe the pack of veggie dogs I got were bad, or a bad batch or something, as let's just say I've been evacuating more than digesting the last few days. I haven't eaten the lowest calorie wise, but decently healthy and not very much over-all. I'm afraid to weigh in though after the "fun" of Value Village. I've had to put off joining the Y another pay. My own stupidity of leaving my bills to the last minute and not being able to pay them completely off. Even with the two sick days, I'll be able to get them taken care of this pay check. Gotta get my shit together and get my taxes done though! I am hoping to get back enough to have either a month rent here or a month rent at the new place aside so I can keep ahead on stuff. Really need the laptop fixed too, but was hoping to get a netbook beforehand, just in case. We'll see though.

I am hoping to get back on track with fruits and veggies and a very little bit of protein and whole grains. My digestive track needs a good flush though. I will try and be on more often as well.